Twitter. It's like eating a digestive biscuit. You can't see it as one of life's great pleasures but it's better than nothing. It's good to have it on in the background, like the radio, or the TV when Hoovering. It's birdsong and the ticking of the clock, the old supplement from the newspaper you might pick up one day because you thought you might one day like to visit Ecuador/find out more about Hannah Waterman/take up Pilates. But by Christ there are some knackers on there and somehow they can be even more annoying on Twitter than in real life...

1. Kthanxbai. Finally, we have proof that the 'Whatever' generation is over thanks to this new, improved time-saving formula.

2. I've just unlocked the badge on Foursquare! Don't know what it is, don't care.

3. I'm at McDonalds, Oxford Street. If we needed the level of geodata you're generating we'd tag you.

4. Can everybody stop talking about John Terry... What, and focus on the big Vernon Kay news, you mean?

5. Is he even still alive??? Heard of Google?

6. Hi to my 100th follower! Turns out it's Britney XXX Vids though.

7. Britney XXX Vids. Hey! Great looking girl following me on Tw... oh.

8. X is trending. We know. It says it in the Trending bit.

9. Thinking how lucky I am to be with @schnookumlovelyjubblybum. Oh god.  

10. Too busy to Tweet today!!! Yet not too busy to Tweet: a paradox worthy of study.