1. 'Sexy software'. Women are sexy; men might at a stretch be called 'sexy' though I wouldn't rightly know about that. But software is just binary code. It might be a clever enough program to raise your eyebrows, say 'ha' or similar, but it's not sexy. Or if you find it sexy, you haven't had enough sex.

2. Describing 'solutions' as 'out of the box', 'turnkey' or 'soup to nuts' or 'plug and play'. First of all, IT stuff doesn't really solve anything, or at least not on its own; it's just infrastructure stuff that helps get things done. As for 'out of the box', well, it doesn't really work out of the box, does it? You have to plug it in, charge the battery, calibrate the pen on the screen, attach the printer, call technical support, take it back, then buy another bit. Then if you're really lucky it might work. For a while. Turnkey? What's that? From the age of the clockwork mouse? 'Soup to nuts'? What sort of animal has nuts at the end of the meal?

3. "I'm really, really excited to..." You were excited by the birth of your child, when you had four numbers on the Lotto and when the bottle stopped spinning and was pointing to you at your 14th birthday party. But, let's face it, you're not really, really excited to stand on a small podium in a middle-ranking hotel to announce version 4.1 of a 'plug-in' (another stupid term) to a business process management suite.

4. Acronyms and abbreviations. "We used ABAP from SAP to add BPM to the ERP. Unfortunately we were SOL with the SQL API because IBM hadn't read the RFP. QED, I guess." Sometimes they're useful shorthand but at other times you're just adding to the nonsense. So ERP stands for enterprise resource planning? That's taken us forward such a long way, hasn't it?

5. Anything said in a mid-Atlantic accent. You were born in Solihull. You're from Inverness. He's from Caerphilly. I'm from Wallsend and that silly bugger is from Morecambe. I know you've spent two days at a sales 'summit' (as if it were Stormont or the Camp David agreement) get-together in Pleasanton, California, but that's no reason for speaking in a been-up-for-72-hours-and-on-the-road-for-15-months rock-star drawl.

6. 'Issues'. No such thing; they're problems.

7. 'The ecosystem'. You found some dealers and created a store for applications on your web site so you could sell more gadgets; you didn't create a universe or biosphere. That was God. Or somebody.

8. 'Step change' or 'paradigm shift'. Mate, it's not even new.

9. 'Crossing the Chasm', 'The Innovator's Dilemma', 'Who moved my cheese?'. You didn't even read the book. Nobody read the whole book. Maybe you saw it on a Gartner slide, if that. So don't pretend you know what it means or, one of these fine days, somebody's going to ask you: what do you mean by that?

10. 'Beers'. As in, 'After the last Q&A and the PPTs, we'll wrap and maybe sink some beers.' It's 'beer' and - n.b. Sky -- it's 'sport', not 'sports'. Unless we finally caved in and became the 51st state.

11. 'Can we just start with a little run-down on the company?' Actually no, you can't. Don't care where you're based, when founded and how much in 'revenues' you have. Also, I can't read that slide with all the customer logos because there are too many. If you're interesting I'll find the other stuff out by typing your name into Google. Clever, aren't I? But still, there you go taking another two minutes of my life that I will never get back. Ever.

12. 'Leverage', 'synergistic', 'blue-sky', 'two in a box', 'monetise'. STOP IT, NOW!