For some time now I have been troubled by the idea that quality assurance has died a death in the handset business -- if indeed it ever existed -- and now I have proof. I'm not sure exactly when it happened but at some point, maybe five or 10 years ago, there took place a top-secret meeting among phone makers and I am delighted to pass on the following minutes from my source:

Customers are more interested in new stuff than improved stuff. Therefore, don't worry too much about QA but whack up the BS. Make your phone into the shape of a rhombus, banana, space shuttle -- but whatever you do, make it different.

Spend your money on marketing, not testing. Phones come and go but pop stars last forever (who can ever forget FR David?) so do your wallet on getting the latest footballer/actor/reality star to back your product ina  gazillion-dollar campaign and just make sure the on/off button works. Or kind of works.

Use really, really new stuff. Version 1.0 software is OK if you can't get version 0.9 but you should also be chucking in new tactile screen sensors, voice recognition algorithms and polyphonic burping and belping noises. Beta cycles are for girls.

Portals don't work so do them anyway. Not many people are interested in your walled-garden appraoch to managing content from the internet -- but who cares, right?!!!

Move buttons around as often as possible. Got a standard UI from a software platform provider? No problem, you can still screw around with it. Shift a few buttons on the hardware too, change the pointing device and disguise any significant options like 'home' buttons. Then when you release an 'upgraded' version of the device, do the shuffle thing and watch those users scamper to find stuff!

Keep those features coming. Users don't seem to mind that the latest, greatest products don't fit pockets and weigh a ton so keep adding those features. 802.11z, TV beamed live from Mars, microwave oven, surveillance cameras...

'Screw Up and Iterate'. Now and again some pesky users -- maybe a  blogger or some bozo on Twitter will ask about a minor issue such as the phone not working, stuff igniting, batteries not lasting more than 20 minutes, the fact that all these handsets can't be doing  a lot for the environment... whatever. Tell them the next version will fix that.